DOWN UNDER — IF YOU EVER DECIDE TO GO

In Australian slang, a common way to say goodbye is “Hooroo“. It’s a shortened version of “Hooray” or “Hoorah” and is used as a casual and friendly farewell. How cool is that?

Flying to Australia can be brutal. From BWI Airport in Maryland, it takes 22 hours with a brief layover in Tokyo. If the flight doesn’t kill you, the jet lag definitely will, unless you bite the proverbial bullet and fly Business Class. Yes, it’s way more expensive—around $14,000 round-trip. But if you do your homework and sniff out a deal through a reputable travel consolidator, one with a good reputation, you can get that price down to $8,000. Either way, it’s worth it. I popped a Xanax between Baltimore and Tokyo, and then another between Tokyo and Sydney, and slept about fifteen hours. Hell, that’s more than I ever sleep anywhere. And I experienced zero jet lag. What do you think that’s worth?

If you want to make phone calls to anything in Australia or New Zealand, you will need a SIM Card. We had purchased 15GB of high-speed data as part of an International Pass from T-Mobile, which meant that Inna and I could call one another whenever we liked, and that was very convenient. And we could also call anyone in the States with seamless service. But if we needed to call our hotel, or a tour operator—something that happened several times—our phones didn’t work for local calls.

Surprisingly, given the freewheeling nature of both countries, weed is illegal, but you occasionally see young people furtively smoking what smells like pretty lousy bud (probably homegrown) in out-of-the-way spots, sort of like it used to be in the U.S. back in the seventies when marijuana was illegal everywhere and chronic was unheard of.

175 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy, Victoria, Australia. Former headquarters of the pacifist movement during World War Two. Then it was occupied by University of Melbourne students after the war. From the late 1970s, it was known as ‘Marijuana House’, consisting of a retail shop, restaurant, and venue for entertainment.

Cigarettes are hidden inside closed cabinets in stores (except tobacco stores), and the packs show grotesquely disfigured people suffering from cancer face. You don’t see many people smoking. And there are no butts on the ground.

Both countries are extremely clean. There’s very little discarded trash. This is not the result of laws or steep fines for littering. It’s clean because there’s a national ethic not to throw rubbish. It’s a matter of national pride.

I hear more emergency vehicle sirens in my tiny hometown of Annapolis in a few hours than I did in Sydney or Auckland, cities with millions of people, in several days. That’s because both nations are very safe and have little crime.

Folks were constantly asking us why Americans love guns so much and how we could tolerate a mass shooting every day. We had no logical answer.

After the Port Arthur massacre in 1996 (35 killed and 23 wounded), Australia implemented strict gun control laws, including bans on certain types of firearms, a buyback program, and increased licensing requirements. These measures led to a significant reduction in mass shootings and other firearm-related deaths. Apparently, guns do kill people.

In other words, it only took the free-spirited, gun-loving nation of Australia ONE mass shooting to convince them to essentially ban guns, while here in the U.S., we endure at least one each DAY—often involving our schoolchildren.

Needless to say, the Australians ( and the rest of the civilized world) think we’re bloody nuts.

Students at public schools are required to wear uniforms, usually blue bottoms with white tops. But given the warm climate, shorts and sandals are acceptable. They look very cute walking to school in happy packs, laden down with heavy book bags. Most schools seem to be within easy walking distance of their students. In fact, we never saw a school bus in either country.

Rotorua is listed by EVERY travel expert as a must-see in New Zealand. I think it’s a waste of time and money. It sits on a sulfur lake and stinks to high heaven. And there is no escape. Ask any Kiwi about Rotorua and they will roll their eyes, shake their head, and pinch their nose.

Stinkpot Lake Rotorua

You should download the free version of the AllTrails maps because they have most of the trails in Australia and New Zealand, including the larger and smaller parks. I used it every time we hiked, and it was very helpful. Open the map where you have internet, like at your hotel, and then it will track your location using GPS, even if you are in the middle of nowhere without a signal.

Hungry Jack’s is the Australian Burger King—home of the charbroiled Cowboy Angus and the Carolina Whopper. They even have a strikingly similar logo and color scheme. I ate at one in the Sydney airport, and it was pretty good. McDonald’s is ever-present and by far the most popular fast food joint in the big cities.

Dame Nellie “Peach” Melba (originally born Helen Porter Mitchell) is one of Australia’s most famous celebrities. She’s still a really big deal—probably because there haven’t been many notable Australians over the years, except in sports. Dame Melba holds the distinction of being the first Australian to achieve international recognition as a classical musician. She took the pseudonym “Melba” from Melbourne, her hometown, where a rather unflattering bronze statue of her stands along the Docklands waterfront. She eventually became a worldwide celebrity, opera singer, and a popular dessert, featuring peaches poached in syrup, served with vanilla ice cream, and topped with raspberry sauce. The dessert was created by Auguste Escoffier, a chef at the Savoy Hotel in London, who was inspired by Melba’s performance. You have entered the pantheon of immortality when they name a food after you, especially a dessert.

The Sidney Myer Natural Amphitheater in the Botanical Gardens is where Melbourners hold Christmas concerts and sing Christmas carols as summer is beginning. Christmas down under is associated with the beach, rather than snow.

The birding down under is exceptional. The hawks, gulls, doves, pigeons, ducks, swans, geese, and pigeons are similar to those in North America. But many are like no other bird I have ever seen. And some sound wild and crazy! The lyrebird (I saw and heard several) can mimic virtually any sound it hears: babies, motors, alarms—anything. I forgot my binoculars, and I still spotted 49 life birds, bringing my total global list to 546.

Now, this might sound petty, but two of the most irritating things about Australia and New Zealand were their use of the metric system and their habit of starting with the date followed by the month when you fill out a form. But given that the rest of the world marches to those beats, it would appear it’s the United States that is out of step…again.

We kept hearing people in New Zealand say, “Ma te wa”. There were signs all over the place with the words plastered like it was the national slogan. It means, “We hope to see you again soon”.

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