In Australia, almost everything by land or sea can kill you. Why does Australia have so many more dangerous animals compared to its close neighbor, New Zealand? The simple answer is because of its geographic isolation. When Australia broke away from the supercontinent Gondwana millions of years ago, it carried a large number of already venomous animals, which then evolved further in toxic isolation, resulting in a dangerously high concentration of venomous snakes, spiders, and marine creatures. New Zealand, while also isolated, had a colder and wetter climate, resulting in a lack of large predators and highly venomous animals. New Zealand has a few poisonous spiders, but it’s primarily a world of flightless birds and marine mammals, with very few land mammals.
And the planetary road show continues. In 2017, all GPS coordinates in Australia were shifted by six feet to account for continental drift that had occurred since the last update in 1994. Moving northward at seven centimeters a year, the Australian plate is one of the fastest-drifting tectonic plates in the world.
Koala bears, Australia’s national symbol, are severely threatened by chlamydia. The latest predictions indicate they might die out by 2050. Bushfires and development are adding to their decline. When their habitat is destroyed, they can’t be relocated like most critters because they can only eat the leaves from the eucalyptus trees where they were born. And they learn that by eating their mother’s pap (poo). Due to the low energy content of eucalyptus leaves, koalas need to conserve energy, which is why they sleep up to 22 hours a day.
Australia’s native dingos were brought by humans to Australia—probably from Southeast Asia—about 4,000 years ago. Dingos have played an important role in the culture of Australia’s First Nations people. But dingos are not dogs. They are classified as a subspecies of wolf, Canis lupus dingo, and they live for 7-10 years in the wild. Dingoes don’t bark like a dog but howl, yelp, whine, growl, chatter, snort, cough, and purr. Dingos are apex predators and will eat anything, dead or alive. They mate for life and live in packs. They have flexible wrists, more slender teeth than dogs, and can rotate their necks 180 degrees. They have never been domesticated because they are wild and unpredictably aggressive. Most Australians fear and loathe the native dingo and have built the 3,307-mile “Dingo Fence” with mixed results and at great expense, trying to keep the dingos away from their sheep farms. Good luck with that.
Melbourne is home to a colony of about 50,000 grey-headed flying foxes (fruit bats), plus two smaller colonies on the city’s outskirts. They are scary big with a wingspan of about three feet. Flying foxes feed predominantly on pollen, nectar, and fruit, performing a crucial role in pollinating native forests and spreading seeds. They don’t use sonar like smaller, insect-eating bats, but depend on their eyes and ears like humans. They see as well as cats at night and are very intelligent. They will fly an average of 40 miles each night in search of food. At sunset, the sky turns dark with giant clouds, or cauldrons, of the furry monsters. The Melbourne colony is listed as one of ‘National Significance’, and the Australian people love their big ol’ bats.
Australia might have more deadly critters than anywhere else on Earth (21 dangerous spiders and 17 dangerous snakes), but they do not have rabies. And that’s one of the big reasons the Department of Home Services screeners at the airport are so hardass when you go through security. Australia doesn’t want any pests, seeds, food, diseases, powders, or gels derived from living matter getting into the environment and spreading about. They even check your shoes! It’s serious business.
The biggest pest in Melbourne is the lowly possum. They have no natural predators and breed prolifically. All of the big trees in Melbourne’s parks have “possum sleeves”, 3-foot-wide strips of grey duct tape wrapped around the base to prevent the possums from climbing up the branches to eat the leaves.
I will admit that when we were in New Zealand, I never worried about getting bitten or stung by anything. It was like paradise. But whenever I was swimming in Australia, I was always wary of great white sharks and box jellyfish. And when we were walking around—even in a city park or around our hotel—I was on the lookout for poisonous snakes and spiders. To be honest, I could never live in Australia because it’s a death trap. I don’t know how so many people do it. And, yes, I know that the chances of encountering a deadly animal there are probably infinitesimal. But I am still traumatized by the goddamn jellyfish in the Chesapeake Bay, whose sting is at worst annoying. So, a few weeks in Australia were more than enough for me.
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