REYKJAVIK

Let’s begin with the fact that the Icelandic language is silly and unpronounceable.  The guiding principle seems to center around loading up as many consonants as possible interspersed with the occasional vowel just to keep the ball rolling.  Think I’m kidding?  The longest word in the language is Vaðlaheiðarvegavinnuverkfærageymsluskúrslyklakippuhringurinn. Nobody even knows what it means anymore.  And when people talk, it sounds like they are gargling with small pebbles.

Prehistorically speaking, there were no indigenous native Icelanders.  And the only local mammal is the Arctic fox.  It was a thoroughly empty place until the Vikings landed in the early 800s, and they were outcasts who couldn’t go back home, making it sort of like a Nordic Australia.

One of the first Icelanders was Lief Ericsson, the son of Eric the Red, who discovered Vinland (Newfoundland).  He found it by accident but must have liked the place because he returned for several extended visits and made some good friends.  The DNA of native Newfoundlanders can be found to this day in the DNA of Icelanders.  

By 930, the chieftains had established a form of governance called the Althin which is one of the world’s oldest parliaments. Towards the end of the tenth century, Christianity came to Iceland and all hell broke loose.

The Lutheran Church is the national church and they influence much of Iceland’s life.  They own a lot of property throughout the country and are pretty much the big dog.  But they don’t throw their weight around as a general rule.

For most of its history, Iceland was a colony of Denmark.  Independence came unexpectedly in 1944 with the help of the U.S. who occupied the country during WWII because of its strategic position as a gateway to Europe.  Denmark was overrun by the Germans, so they couldn’t really object or do much about it.  But the Danes always treated the Icelanders well, so Iceland has kept a lot of the Danish trappings and have a soft spot in their collective hearts for the Danes.

Icelanders vote every four years regionally, but they vote for a party, not a person.  Then the winning party from each area appoints the delegate that goes to parliament.  The Prime Minister gets chosen by the people and Iceland had the first democratically elected woman prime minister in the world.  The current PM is an outspoken lesbian firecracker.

There is no particular architectural style in Reykjavik and it’s all pretty bland and uniform if you ask me, though people are free to build whatever they like.  The problem is there’s very little wood, so they are traditionally built with stone and corrugated metal because they repel the ever-present rain and are good insulators.   But there are multi-million dollar homes in Reykjavik wrapped in the ribbed metal siding you usually see on the outside of a shed.  It seems silly, but Iceland has always had an inferiority complex because of things like their building materials and their goofy language.

Iceland is a conflicted country.  For instance, there’s only one liquor store in the whole downtown.  It’s called Vinbudin.  And the government places a 50% tax on alcohol, trying to discourage folks from drinking.  But beer flows like water and you can’t swing a cat without hitting a bar.

Reykjavik is home to 70% of all Icelanders and means “smokey bay”.   The Viking criminal king who first landed there in the 800s was confused because he thought the geothermal steam vents in the distance were smoke.

The first settlement is now a small square with some curious stones and the Skuli craft beer bar.

By the way: there were no horns on Viking helmets.  The notion came from early Christian drawings that depicted them as evil devils.

The Penis Museum is the most popular museum in Reykjavik.  The second most popular attraction is Hallgrimskirkja, the weird, modernistic concrete church that sits on the tallest hill above town and looks like a geyser made of white volcanic columns.  And the third biggest draw is a crazy hot dog stand near the harbor.  Hot dogs are a national treasure, like cheesesteaks in Philly.   The Icelandic hot dog has a unique taste because they add lamb to the mix.

The weather totally sucks in Iceland, but they pretend to ignore it.  Even on a cold day, people were dining outside at cafes, some wrapped in blankets.

The sun shines intermittently in Iceland and everyone, including school children, eats their daily Vitamin D so they don’t turn back into Vikings and go berserk.

The day we arrived in Reykjavik was Culture Day, commemorating Reykjavík’s birthday.  The place was batshit crazy—in a good way.  They had a marathon and a kiddy run through the heart of town which was essentially shut down for the daylong street fest featuring bands and fireworks until well after midnight.  There was lots of music all over town, but let’s be honest, Bjork was the only musician from Iceland to ever make it off the island and there’s a reason for that.  Their music has an aggressive heavy metal military beat to it with a lot of synthesizers thrown in to accompany all the screaming and yelling.  Throw in copious amounts of beer and you’re off to the races.

https://photos.google.com/photo/AF1QipMOUaaKbj00tOklzPxlDCEoZbOV7nzR1nyHJWNV

Iceland has won the World Gender Equality award for the past 15 years in a row.  Reykjavik has the perpetual feel of a gay pride festival.  There are rainbow flags everywhere and even some of the streets are gayly painted.  Rainbow Road, a very popular shopping street, doesn’t technically have all the right queer colors, but that’s okay.  Icelanders think more about gender equality rather than being gay.  And everyone is on board.  Even the church supports queerness and they have a big float in the pride parade every year.

On your typical Saturday, year-round, the most popular activity in Iceland is to go swimming at a hot outdoor public pool.  There are spiffy pool complexes in every town and they stay open until 10.  They also have saunas and hot tubs galore.  And afterward, families grab some ice cream and a hot dog.  It’s the divine trinity.

Okay, nobody in their right mind would voluntarily live in Iceland.  I don’t care how beautiful and wonderful its natural wonders are.  The place is basically uninhabitable.  And yet, the people are obviously happy.  

According to the 2023 World Happiness Report, Icelanders are the third happiest populace in the world, rounding out the top three behind the superlatively happy Finns and only slightly less happy Danes—two other countries with abominable weather.

Of course, humans tend to drink heavily when it’s cold and almost a quarter of Icelanders fall under the definition of having a harmful consumption pattern of alcohol (27 percent of men and 21 percent of women).  

Then again, they also really like pink cotton candy.  They even sell it in big bags and jars and it isn’t just for kids.

I think the people of Iceland are rather heroic.  They have carved productive and apparently fulfilling lives out of the barren nothingness of Planet Iceball.  And they have done it with a unique sense of style and grace.  I mean, how can you not like a people whose most popular salute is Þetta Reddast, which means: “It’s all going to work out in the end.”