ANOTHER CORONA FOR THE ROAD, PERHAPS? ALL NATURAL SNAKE OILS

Who doesn’t like foods and medicines that claim to be organic? Hell, we’ll gladly pay twice as much for all natural anything. So, it isn’t surprising that the COVID Cons have started working the homeopathic side of the street. Like P.T. Barnum, the king of the big top, and one of the greatest showmen of all time, was fond of saying, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

Let’s start with the useless cures that you can easily find in your local supermarket or health food store.

• Drinking lemon in warm water can prevent both COVID-19 and cancer because it raises your vitamin C level.
• Bananas will strengthen your immune system and prevent and cure COVID-19.
• Eating mango a day will keep COVID away.
• Onions can stop you from catching the coronavirus.
• Garlic prevents COVID-19 (and vampires).
• Hot peppers can cure COVID-19.
• Fasting for a day and then downing lots of boiled ginger can beat the coronavirus.
• A spoonful of Turmeric, the wonder spice, can defeat COVID-19.
• Spicy curry kills the coronavirus.
• And there are a wide assortment of herbal products and essential oils that are fraudulently being pedaled as cures for COVID-19.

I especially like the simple, readily available drinks you can take to keep yourself safe from the coronavirus.

• Drinking lots of alcohol — even alcohol-based sanitizers — will prevent or cure COVID-19.
• Tea can ward off the virus.
• Drinking water every 15 minutes can fight off the coronavirus.
• Fennel tea, supposedly similar to the medicine Tamiflu (which has no effect on any coronavirus), will keep COVID at bay.
• Avocado and mint tea, hot whiskey and honey, essential oils, and vitamins C and D will all work wonders against the virus.
• Facebook claims that gargling salt water, drinking hot liquids like tea, and avoiding ice cream can stop the transmission of COVID-19. Apparently it’s a temperature thing. Like Goldilocks, COVID doesn’t like it too hot or too cold.

The vegetarians couldn’t miss a chance to push their anti-meat agenda, claiming that vegans can’t catch COVID. This sily notion was super popular in India where the cows are sacred and there is little meat to eat anyway.

And celebrity cures during a health crisis are always good for laughs.

• J.K. Rowling, the celebrated and revered author of Harry Potter and beyond, is pushing the crazy notion that taking six deep breaths and then coughing while covering one’s mouth can prevent the spread of COVID-19.
• Dr. (Mehmet) Oz, the wingnut TV doctor often seen on Fox News, has been telling his many listeners, including President Rump, that hydroxychloroquinine, an anti-malaria drug, now in short supply because people listened to his sorry ass, is the magic bullet cure against COVID.
• That lovable pothead, Woody Harrelson, claims that 5G is the cause of COVID-19.

The coronavirus pandemic currently sweeping the world has taught us five important lessons.

1. Religious crackpots will use our faith in God (any God) against us to make us true believers in their holy bullshit cures. (usually for money)
2. Tyrants and Politicians will use our fears against us to consolidate their power.
3. Commercial con artists will use our gullibility against us to make a fast buck.
4. Natural healers and cosmic crystalheads will use our love of nature against us to pump up the false hope and make us act foolishly in the name of their phony causes.
5. If we get scared enough, we will try almost anything to save our precious lives.

Snake oil is easy to laugh off. “How can people be so stupid?” But it can also be lethal, like when the President of the United States recommends that people ingest bleach or tells folks not to wear face masks. Thousands of people have needlessly died because of Trump’s ignorant suggestions.

Most snake oils are fairly harmless, but they tricks us into making bad choices that can cost us valuable time, money, and our health. And it is insidious because it nibbles away at our ability to think critically and objectively and to distinguish fact from fiction. Like warm water undercutting a glacier, it weakens our foundation until we come unglued and crash into the sea.

Oh, wait a second. That’s climate change and sea level rise, the next big killers waiting in the wings. We’ll try and deal with those bad boys after we get past the pandemic. Okay?