After the conspiracy theories, the religious mumbo jumbo, and the baldfaced lies from our President and his Republican crew, what’s next? How about some medicine? And sure enough, right on cue, out come the wacky — and sometimes deadly — cures for COVID-19, the insidious virus that has killed over 180,000 people in the U.S. with no letup in sight. So, it’s only natural that people want protection from an invisible killer that seems to strike with no rhyme or reason. Anyone of us could be next — seniors, infants, athletes, doctors — we’re all fair game. And it’s scary as hell!
In its wake, COVID-19 has left death, economic ruin, and and a slew of magic cure bullets. It’s downright evil when people play of our fears and dangle some bullshit panacea for the hidden killer in front of our noses. But snake oil salesmen and crackpot healers have been around as far back as the 1400s, when the plague was vanquishing Europe. Death has always been big business. Several of the more popular Medieval remedies included:
- Rubbing onions, herbs or a chopped up snake (if available) on the boils or cutting up a pigeon and rubbing it over an infected body.
- Drinking vinegar, eating crushed minerals, arsenic, mercury or even ten-year-old molasses.
- Sitting close to a fire or in a sewer to drive out the fever, or fumigating the house with herbs to purify the air.
And here’s an interesting little factoid about our current pandemic, the worse a country is handling the COVID-19 outbreak, the more crazy ass cures are being pedaled on their national open market.
The U.S. is leading the race to the viral bottom, so it should be no surprise that we offer the widest assortment of snake oils. USA! USA!
Our Liar-in-Chief President, Donald “Jackass” Trump, has been steadily pushing his favorite magic elixirs.
- President tRump strongly recommended — to the point of saying he was taking it himself — the malaria drug Hydroxychloroquine, which is responsible for killing many who have tried to self-treat themselves, and is now is in short supply for those infected with malaria. It has also been rumored that he has a financial interest in the drug.
- The Trumpster is so desperate to get reelected that he has said his administration is considering fast tracking the experimental UK coronavirus vaccine AstraZeneca even though the efficacy and health risks from the drug will not be known until after the election.
- Commander Zero also suggested at an April Coronavirus Press Conference that we can protect ourselves from COVID-19 by injecting, swallowing, bathing in, or rubbing onto our bodies bleach, disinfectants or rubbing alcohols.
- Trump also suggested, and FOXy News and all of his followers believe it’s true, that the reason we have so many cases of COVID-19 is because we are testing so much; if we tested less, we would have fewer cases. We will soon be applying this twisted logic to monitoring crime, forecasting the weather, and tabulating unemployment numbers.
But Dr. Trump has plenty of crazy partners to join him in hawking fraudulent crap and hopeless lies.
- The paint stripper methylene chloride has been marketed on eBay as a coronavirus disinfectant.
- Certain surgical masks can prevent the coronavirus entirely, and in a pinch, you can make masks out of wet-wipes.
- Drinking ethanol alcohol protects against COVID-19.
- Chlorine dioxide tablets and sanitizers were marketed on Amazon.
- An anti-virus lanyard called “Shut Out” resulted in the criminal conviction of a Georgia woman for violating the U.S. Insecticide, Fungicide, and Rodenticide Act.
- Special USB flash drives, selling for $370 as a “5G Bioshield”, offered protection from the threat of infection transmitted via 5G mobile telephone radio waves.
- Toothpastes, dietary supplements and creams are being sold illegally by super conspiracy spreader Alex Jones.
- Jennings Ryan Staley, a licensed physician and owner of Skinny Beach Med Spa, is accused of selling mail-order “COVID-19 treatment packs“, claiming they would protect against COVID-19 for six weeks and cure it “100%”, causing the disease to disappear in hours.
- An “anti-coronavirus” mattress was advertised as being anti-fungal, anti-allergic, dustproof and waterproof and able to fight the coronavirus.
- Taking six deep breaths and then coughing while covering one’s mouth has been touted as a treatment for COVID-19 infection throughout social media, including by celebrities like the Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling.
And no evangelical millionaire minister worth his weight in gold could miss the chance to profit mightily from other peoples’ suffering.
- One of the more deadly vaccines is called the “Miracle Mineral Solution” (MMS) It’s a mixture of table salt, some other trace minerals, and a highly toxic acid, which reacts with the sodium chlorite to produces an unstable industrial bleach. The “Genesis II Church” of South Florida (where else?) calls its mail-order MMS a “sacrament”, and when warned by the FDA to cease and desist, vehemently refused, saying that as religious organization the FDA had no authority over them.
- Colloidal silver is being marketed as a cure for COVID-19 infection by several big name evangelical preachers like that dipshit Pat Roberts. Colloidal silver is not an effective treatment for anything, and may interfere with other medications and turn your skin blue.
- Televangelist Kenneth Copeland urged followers to touch their televisions as a means of vaccination by proxy, and also attempted to exorcise COVID-19 on at least three occasions by summoning “the wind of God”. Earlier, he had urged followers to ignore public health advisories and come to his churches, saying they could be healed there by the laying on of hands if they fell ill.
Following the folksy sort of down home traditions you might find in the Farmers Almanac, Americans have come up with some pretty wild home remedies.
- Extreme hot or cold kills the virus.
- Sunlight radiation will cure COVID-19.
- Drinking lots of alcohol will prevent or cure COVID-19.
- Drinking water every 15 minutes will prevent coronavirus infection.
- Tea is effective against COVID-19 because it contains certain stimulants.
- Facebook claims that gargling salt water, drinking hot liquids like tea and avoiding ice cream can stop the transmission of COVID-19.
And finally, under the heading “If it doesn’t work, it might as well give you a good buzz”, a lethal injection containing amphetamine, cocaine, and nicotine, has been selling on the Dark Web as a guaranteed vaccine.
