JAPANESE SNAPSHOTS – #7 – TOILET 101

 

The Japanese are obsessed with cleanliness.  They have their omnipresent public baths and as I mentioned before, they keep their streets and houses immaculate.  This need to clean extends to their bathrooms, and I was fascinated to see in the wondrous Edo Museum a replica of a sweet smelling cedar toilet, dating from the 16th Century.  Clearly, having a nice, clean bathroom experience has always been a high priority in Japan.

But one of the most confusing things we encountered right away in today’s Japan were the incredibly fancy electric toilets.  They look like Captain Kirk’s console chair on the Starship Enterprise.  

One button initiates a little jet of water to wash your crotch.  Another washes your ass. The seat is heated.  And some buttons were completely unfathomable.  And frankly, I didn’t want to know.  The first time I used one, I couldn’t figure out how to flush it and when I pressed one of the buttons I got hit with a jet spray of water that soaked my shirt and pants.  Yes, it took me awhile to master something as basic as a toilet, which made me feel like a total dumbass.

And these little technological wonders are not all created equal.  Some even play music, so no one can hear you fart or cut loose.  And some have actual handles to flush.  But in order to flush most of the fancier models, you have to place you hand over the sensor.  Who knew?

The toilets are so unusual to Westerners, in fact, that some of the larger bathrooms also provide “Western Toilets” for those who simply can not figure it all out.

And, apparently, even the Japanese need a little instruction regarding the do’s and dont’s of going to the bathroom, because they often have signs with little pictures, telling you the proper toilet etiquette.

And in many public bathrooms on the street — which unlike most places in Europe and South America, are free and cleaned several times a day — they have urinals and then these strange shitters on the ground where you stand over the drain and do your business.  They, of course, have signs on these babies to instruct you on how to do it correctly without making a mess.

The Japanese are very serious about handicap accessibility and their handicap bathrooms are absolutely amazing.  I couldn’t figure out what half the stuff even did.

I can’t imagine what all this high-tech bathroom fun costs the country as a whole, but it’s a helluva lot.  An American toilet costs about $350.  A Japanese electric toilet costs somewhere between $500-$5,000.  Let’s try and do the simple math.  In Japan, there are 50 million households, 20 million businesses, 80 thousand hotels, 880 train stations, and god only knows how many shrines and tourist attractions, each with at least one toilet.  If we just assume they installed the cheapest model, then there are about $40 billion worth of toilets in tiny little Japan.

Well, I have to admit that the Japanese electric toilet is definitely a seat above our American models.  The heated seat is definitely a nice touch.  And the fine jet sprays to your ass are quite tingly.  But you know you are definitely a stranger in a strange land when you can’t even figure how to go to the bathroom.  So, you might want to watch a video before you go, so you know how to go.